|My garden is at it again this year: Sunflowers, green bush beans, broccoli, piquante peppers, cantaloupe, and butternut squash.|
Horses have been rather sad and confusing for me. I took a month off from working at the farm (but offered to pitch in 4th of July weekend when BO looked short handed and didn't want to ask me to come in). I liked not having an obligation to go to the barn. I liked choosing to go out there, and choosing to ride or not. Going because I wanted to, not because I had to work, do wound care, do meds, monitor healing, monitor exercise etc.
|You definitely only drive 1200 miles in one horse shopping weekend because you want to.|
I've been borrowing a school horse because Madonna both went to her new home (her owner bought a farm to keep her horses at her house) and became super super strange to ride (head flipping/shaking, body twitching, general weirdness). The school horse is a dutch mare in her 20s that has enough attitude and motion to keep you working but is totally safe. She is doing wonders for my confidence... one of the sale horses I saw in March destroyed my confidence and I've been having trouble getting it back ever since. An almost year of tack walking doesn't help rusty skills that are very rattled.
|Went to Canada again! Love visiting Canada.|
I've been looking for a new horse, and I went to see one twice before ultimately deciding he wasn't for me. I also realized I have an inability to go with my gut when shopping for myself, despite being able to do it for others. I'm having a lot of difficulty finding something I like in my budget, so it probably also has something to do with "if I pass on this horse, I'll never find another" when in reality that's not true. I have another in the works that was so out of budget but went to see him anyway and I LOVED riding him.
I've been battling what seems like depression. Sure, Liam's death caused "surface" unhappiness. Of course I'm going to be sad and upset. This whole last year has been incredibly sad and disheartening. I think I finally understand what they mean when they say "you don't enjoy the things you used to." I went to the barn the other week to maybe ride and to talk to people and all of a sudden I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to be there anymore. I didn't want to go back ever. It was a lot deeper than not wanting to be there because I don't have a horse anymore. However, I have no idea what to do with myself besides horses and I have no interest in developing a new interest that is just as time consuming (I already nurture a liking for gardening and biking). I've had that feeling several times, but more and more time inbetween so I consider it "getting better", but I still like to keep to myself when I am at the barn.
|The squash have taken over on the right and the beans have taken over on the left. It's a jungle in there, and the squash are trying to escape out the door!|
That feeling combined with confidence issues have definitely held sway in what I've been shopping for: fun, safe, sound, sane have been number 1 on the list, followed by dressage ability/movement.
|A solid hit to the head, courtesy of clumsiness and an iron beam.|
Of course everything has been slightly derailed by me getting a concussion last week. It wasn't even horse related! Pure clumsiness. I went out to get breakfast at work downtown, and as I was focused on stepping down off a curb then crossing an alley while walking around a tall bed construction truck, I walked directly into a rusty iron beam sticking out the back of the truck. Didn't even see it. I scraped the top of my head to the point of bleeding, so I went up to the PCP/health services in my building to have them make sure there wasn't metal in my head, that it was just a surface scratch, and to get a tetanus shot. A week later and I'm still dealing with side effects- mild headaches that happen when I look at screens for too long, motion sickness, ear pressure issues up and down hills, and eye strain. I'm not driving very far these days because 10 minutes can sometimes cause eye strain issues that make it difficult to focus. I'm just driving straightforward roads to the bus stop and back. I'm obviously not riding, nor am I driving myself to the barn. I started biking again, which I've had to stop again.
Life continues to be exciting, despite a lack of horses. I have some very good things going on, but I think I've earned the right to express, "ffs, why is it always me?"
Anywho, more to come.